If you feel stuck in indecision, it’s likely that you are merging two concepts together that need to be kept separate. To decide, you must first explore what you desire I’ve written this Guide to help you gain the clarity you’ll need to arrive at that choice. Whatever the case may be for you, you deserve to receive the message that parenthood is neither destiny nor a debate – and there is no single right choice. Or maybe you have time to decide but just want to make a conscientious choice. It’s possible that you feel compelled to decide soon because you’re worried about your fertility. Situations like these can create a lot of pressure to figure out what you want. Or your parents keep reminding you that you’re not getting any younger and that they want grandchildren.

Maybe you are planning to marry someone, and the answer to the parenthood question is critical for them. Perhaps you thought you’d know by now whether you want to become a parent, but you’re still just not sure. Since people commonly believe that the answer should just come to them, they often feel confused and worried when it doesn’t. To this day, when someone reaches out to me, they say: I’m so relieved to find out that I’m not the only one who didn’t know. I’ve discovered that some people don’t even mention their indecision to friends for fear of being ridiculed or told that they should just go ahead with it.

It’s likely that you were never encouraged to ask yourself: Is parenthood for me? You probably weren’t told that it’s a very personal decision that only you can make. People are typically conditioned to think about parenthood as a given, not as a question. Unfortunately, there are few places to explore this kind of uncertainty without judgment. If you are struggling with not knowing, I promise you: there is nothing wrong with you. They just want to be able to decide and move forward with their lives, and they don’t understand why they can’t. Many have already witnessed their friends or others make this big decision. But I have 30 years of experience counselling individuals who have found that they cannot decide one way or the other, and who often feel tormented by their stuckness. It’s true that some people will say they’ve always known what they wanted. To many people, it seems as if you should just know whether you want to become a parent. I immediately let them know that they’re not alone in their worries or uncertainty. These are just a few of the sorts of concerns I hear from people when they reach out to me for help with deciding whether or not to have children. I’m not sure if I would be a good enough parent. People say it’s life’s greatest experience – what if I miss out on that? I don’t want to hold my partner back from something important to them.

I’m afraid of losing my freedom and my sleep.

The Baby Matrix by Laura Carroll